I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
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My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane