Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Beware of the dog..

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*