I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
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*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.