Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

I know this now 😂

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]