I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.