Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.