It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
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Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up