i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
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Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.