If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better