Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

My Sentiments Exactly

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass