Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…