Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

*names my little horse OneTrick*

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.