Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

#Thanos #MondayMood

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what