Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?