I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
i want to work in this restaurant
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?