I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
You can’t rush stupid.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..