Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.