I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
This is my cat’s medicine.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.