I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking