Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun