I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.