I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
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Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.