I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
October already? What’s next? November????
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me, reading some of your tweets
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
crochet youtube is brutal
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock