I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead