Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Plans 2020

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

reminder

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.