I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
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Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.