I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
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if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”