Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right