I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
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I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Duck typos.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something