I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
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Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.