Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.