I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”