I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
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would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
i want enemies
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
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I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.