I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
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look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here