I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.