I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Sharon, call the vet
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.