I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
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getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower