I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
You Might Also Like
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
True.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
