I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
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I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I can’t wait!
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”