I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
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Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
accurate
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun