Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

🔦🌙👣

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.