I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
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My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
LA today:
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is