does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”