I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
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I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“our sushi is very fresh”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
SPLOOT
