Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Mornin

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.