I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
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When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade