I’d rather fork than spoon.
You Might Also Like
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST