Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

New Tinder profile.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check