I’d rather fork than spoon.
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[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
hackers play passwordle