I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
#ProTip
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin