I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Morning all.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
all that yoga finally paid off
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
When I said I liked it rough.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder