I’d rather go liquor treating.
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up