i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.