i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
Saw your ex at the shops
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
When your man makes a valid point
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.