Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

his wife is probably gonna see that

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

knights of the ikea table

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!