I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
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When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass