I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
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I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
