I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
You Might Also Like
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
5 ways to appear taller
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend