@WilliamAder

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

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@shanethevein

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

@Darlainky

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

@sarcasm_inc

HI I SPIT GUM OUT OF MY CAR ON THE FREEWAY AND IT BLEW BACK IN MY EAR
911: Sir, u need to pull over
WHAT
911: Use your other ear, sir
WHAT

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

@AbbyHasIssues

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@boring_as_heck

A big thank you to whoever spraypainted “KARATE” on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.

@Staggfilms

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

@okcallmejay

Isn’t it cool that stamps are like a sticker…but with a job

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.