[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
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My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
HI I SPIT GUM OUT OF MY CAR ON THE FREEWAY AND IT BLEW BACK IN MY EAR
911: Sir, u need to pull over
911: Use your other ear, sir
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
A big thank you to whoever spraypainted “KARATE” on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Isn’t it cool that stamps are like a sticker…but with a job
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.