I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

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End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *


Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.


I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out



*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?


[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.


Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.


ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting


Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.


My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.


I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.