Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

me: my friends:

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?