Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

I would move hell over six inches for you

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.