Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]