Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

the zen of frog

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.