I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
You Might Also Like
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Finally
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Mornin
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”