I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I Can’t Tonight…
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—