Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

Not messing around

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.