I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
You Might Also Like
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.