I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.