@Dawn_M_

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

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@KKAlThani

Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling “Good one!” and high-fiving the air.

@goldengateblond

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

@AmberTozer

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

@ninjadinosaur1

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

@daviddeweil

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

@thedad

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

@dumbbeezie

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

@CauseWereDads

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

@TheTweetOfGod

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?