Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling “Good one!” and high-fiving the air.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
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when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?