I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
The best shot in the history of golf
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit