Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

A bold strategy

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!