Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

That was easy.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son