Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that