Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”