It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
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Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
podcasts
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Your honor these allegations are
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you